Tonight the Lakers beat the defending NBA champions to advance to the Finals.
In their sixty years in existence, the Lakers have gone to the Finals 29 times. This is a record of excellence unrivaled in any professional sport. Off the top of my head I can think of only two franchises that compare --
New York Yankees: 105 years old. 39 World Series appearances -- a 37% clip.
Boston Celtics: 62 years old. 19 Finals appearances -- a 31% clip.
Milwaukee/Los Angeles Lakers: 60 years old. 29 Finals appearances. A 48% clip.
Now, the Celtics have won 16 of their 19 appearances; the Lakers have only won 14 of their 28, so credit to the Celtics there. Oh, and speaking of the Celtics --
Fuck the Celtics. I mean, fuck them. OK, but seriously, what I mean is: fuck the Celtics forever. Fuck the Celtics, fuck the Celtics. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck the Celtics. May God Smite Them, fuck the Celtics. May Allah and Yahweh and L. Ron Hubbard and the Justice League Smite Them, because, fuck the Celtics. May Zeus, Mithras, Mike Tyson and The Rock Smite Them, fuck the Celtics. May Mohammed Ali and Sean "James Bond" Connery and the '85 Bears rise up with the strength of their vanished youth and Smite Them, because fuck the Celtics. In church when they sing "Halleleujah," you sing "Fuck the Celtics," because it's the same number of syllables.
Fuck the leprechaun. Fuck Red Auerbach. Fuck his ghost if he's not available. Fuck that rotten cigar. Fuck Boston Garden. Fuck the current building because I can't remember which evil corporation is currently paying to slap its name over the entrance. And yes ... fuck Bill Russell. Fuck Bob Cousy. Fuck K.C. Jones. Fuck Tommy Heinsohn. Fuck Dave Cowens. Fuck Larry Bird. Fuck Frankenstein McHale. Fuck Danny Ainge. And slap him a good one too. Fuck that stupid parquet floor. Fuck their 16 championships in 19 tries. Fuck Kevin Garnett. Fuck Paul Pierce. Fuck Ray Allen.
Fuck the Numbers 00, 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 31, 32, 33, and 35. Fuck "LOSCY."
Fuck Johnny Most. Fuck the color green. If I owned a green shirt I'd burn it but I don't own a green shirt because I fucking don't wear green clothes. No offense to the Irish, sincerely since I'm related to some of those bastards, but fuck the Irish and fuck St. Patty's Day for allowing the Celtics to associate with it.
Yes, and I say this with sincere, mature reflection: Fuck Boston.
They do need to win one more game against the Pistons to advance. So, I'm rooting for you guys. Get it done.
I'm ready for the Finals now.